Humor

ADS FROM GOD

Some years ago a Ft Lauderdale, Florida advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 18 messages from God. This non-denominational campaign was sponsored by an anonymous client. Here are the messages. Perhaps you will find one of them a “Wake Up Call”:

1. “Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before The Game.” -God
2. “C’mon Over And Bring The Kids.” -God
3. “What Part of ‘Thou Shalt Not…’ Didn’t You Understand?” -God
4. “We Need To Talk.” -God
5. “Keep Using My Name In Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer.” -God
6. “Will The Road You’re On Get You To My Place?” -God
7. “Follow Me.” -God
8. “Big Bang Theory, You’ve Got To Be Kidding!” -God
9. “Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test.” -God
10. “Loved The Wedding. Invite Me To The Marriage.” -God
11. “That Love Thy Neighbor Thing, I Meant It.” -God
12. “I Love You…I Love You…I Love You.” -God
13. “My Way IS The Highway.” -God
14. “You Think It’s Hot Here?” -God
15. “Tell The Kids I Love Them.” -God
16. “Need A Marriage Counselor? I’m Available” -God
17. “Need Directions?” -God
18. “Don’t Make Me Come Down There.” -God

NO WONDER!

I was working at a long-term care facility and there was a celebration for one of the residents.

It was her 100th Birthday!

She was very sleepy as the party began so I asked her, “Do you know how old you are today?”

“No, how old am I?”

“You’re 100 years old!”

“Well, no wonder I am so tired.”

Humor

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Mary taught first grade to a class of twenty-five adorable 6yr olds.  One day Mary gave each child the first half of a well known saying and asked them to write in the remainder.  Here are the results:
No news is……………………….impossible.
Love all, trust………………….. me.
An idle mind is……………………the best way to relax.
Strike while the…………………..bug is close.
A penny saved is…………………. not much.
Don’t change horses………………..until they stop running.
A miss is as good as a ………………. Mr.
Happy is the bride who………………….gets all the presents.
Two’s company, three’s………………….. the Musketeers.
Don’t bite the hand that…………………. looks dirty.
It’s always darkest before………………….Daylight Saving Time.
There are none so blind as ……………….. Stevie Wonder.
Where there’s smoke there’s ………………. pollution.
The pen is mightier than the………………… pigs.
If at first you don’t succeed…………………. get new batteries.
When the blind lead the blind ……………….. get out of the way!
Children should be seen and not ………………spanked or grounded.
You can’t teach an old dog new ………….. ….math.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……………….. you put on to go to bed.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…………………. stink in the morning.
You can lead a horse to water but ……………… how?
Never underestimate the power of ……………….. termites.
You get out of something only what you …………… see in the picture on the box.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you………….. cry and you have to blow your nose.

Heaven’s Door

I was shocked, confused, and bewildered as I entered heaven’s door.
Not by the beauty of it all, or the lights, or its décor.
But it was the folks in Heaven that made me sputter and gasp-
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, and the trash.
There stood the kid from 7th grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?  I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?  There must’ve been a mistake.
And why’s everyone so somber, so quiet?  Give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” said He.  “They’re all in shock.  No one thought they’d be seeing YOU!”